My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
