i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
