Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
