I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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