I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
