I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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