I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
FUCK WHALES
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
