Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
