Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
