In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
