Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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