My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
