he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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