Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Randomize
