oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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