Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
