you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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