either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
