Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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