i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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