i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
