I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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