Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
