I met the friendliest cop last night
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
