talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
