One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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