Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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