whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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