Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm passing your future prison.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
