Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
