So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
