Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
