I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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