I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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