Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
