i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
