did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
