Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
