I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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