Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
