If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
