Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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