Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
