She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
