i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
