She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
