I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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