i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
