My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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