i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
