how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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